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Painful Days are Nigh…..

God help me I have not been on here in a while. Having such a crazy mix of emotions I am not sure what the hell I feel these days. My birth mother who all but abandoned me is dying. I am not sure how to feel about any of this. I do not see her for years (her choice) then she shows back up gets diagnosed and since January of this year I have been going with her to chemo and radiation trying to make sure she gets the best of care. Letting her know she will not die alone. This has been the most painful process I have ever experienced. I feel quite alone and sad. I know it is because she has alienated everyone with her behavior. She in healthier days was a mean ass woman. Now she is just broken. I want to be mad at her for smoking and putting herself in this situation however I just can not feel anything but a great sadness and grief.It is Christmas soon and her days are closing in and getting more painful and I just walk around like I have this big rock in my chest. I have been alone inside myself for most my life but a part of me would really like to ask someone to hold this heavy I have been carrying around for some time. I can tell you that listening to old sad Counting Crows songs and walking around is not making it any better….. I just feel like I want someone to hold me and I know that is not me because I never want anyone to even touch me…..I know what is coming and I am not sure how I will get through it…..


I am bored as hell with people. Not one person on this planet can take a effing joke. I am also tired of people from my past trying to mess with my future. So this morning I have been sitting here for like three hours drinking coffee and on Twitter and Facebook posting not doing one damn thing productive. I will probably go walk on the beach and get some clarity to me it seems as if the whole flipping world has gone mad.

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